


Dumb Drabbles

by ralf



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Crack, Drabbles, Embedded Images, Humor, M/M, i know the archive isn't too appreciative of crack but i'm putting this out there anyway, please be kind
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-19
Updated: 2019-04-30
Packaged: 2019-05-09 00:10:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 31
Words: 4,600
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14705429
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ralf/pseuds/ralf
Summary: What it says on the tin.Including but not limited to: Alec regretting all of his life choices, dark secrets of Magnus's past, Luke trying (and failing?) to catch a break, Alec scheming to protect Magnus's honor, Alec having Opinions about Magnus's warlock mark, the real reason behind the Seelie Queen's youthful appearance, Jace not being helpful and asking all the wrong (all the right) questions, Magnus and Alec having Serious Fights, Magnus discovering a scandalous secret of Shadowhunter Society, Alec trying to be a protective boyfriend but missing the mark by a mile, tricky nicknames, Drunk Alec being a menace, Alec's proposal preparations plus proposal, etc. etc.Latest up:Chapter 29: Sometimes solutions are verysillysimpleChapter 30: Some more proposal trash, for obvious reasons.Chapter 31: Revenge is sweeeeeet





	1. “I'm not going anywhere.”

“ _'I'm not going anywhere.'_ I can't believe I said that,” Alec muttered darkly for the umpteenth time.

“Is it really that bad?” Magnus asked hesitantly

Alec fixed him with an unimpressed look. “Yes?!”

Magnus sighed.

“Why did I _do_ that? I doomed myself to a lifetime of misery.”

Magnus scoffed. “You're overreacting.”

Alec glared. “Don't you get it? It's like a self-fulfilling prophecy. It's like a curse I'll never break free from.”

Magnus frowned. “Now you're _definitely_ overreacting.”

“Am not! I have set myself up for eternal failure. I'll never accomplish anything in my life because _I'm not going anywhere_.”

 


	2. Repercussions

Magnus forced himself not to cower under the force of Alec's glare that would have lesser men shaking with fear.

“I did nothing wrong,” he declared, chin held high.

Alec's eyes sparked fire. “You _cheated_ and you dare to say you did _nothing wrong?_ ”

“Alexander, I-”

“No. I've heard enough. I can't believe you'd betray my trust like that.” Alec shook his head. “And all to win a bet.”

“A bet that _you_ instigated,” Magnus shot back.

“Are you seriously trying to justify your actions? You _cheated!_ ”

“Yes, okay,” Magnus exploded. “I cheated. _AT POOL!!_ So let's not be overdramatic.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alec: That's rich, coming from you.


	3. Dark Past

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> lol i regret nothing

“I want to tell you. It's just...”

“Difficult?” Alec suggested.

“Yeah.” Magnus took a deep breath. “My father and I had.. very different ideas of what's the right way to behave in public.”

Magnus broke off, biting his lip. Seconds ticked by, then he sighed. “I can't say it. But I can show you.”

A snap of fingers, a magic spark

and Magnus handed over a photograph depicting a man and a boy walking down a trail side by side.

Alec frowned.

“Look at our clothes, Alec! Those cuts! Those colors! They're terrible! The memory alone makes my skin crawl!”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm kidding, I regret everything. It's just, sometimes my mind _does things_ , okay?


	4. Premonition

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Set after 3x01.

It starts with headaches. Magic is useless against them and Magnus is ready to snap after a week.

It gets worse. Magnus ignores the visual flashes the first couple times, but when they become solid visions that last for several seconds he can no longer deny that something is seriously wrong.

Apprehension turns into certainty when his visions, one by one, come true.

“Remember how you told me you were the High Warlock of Brooklyn but even you couldn't see the future?” Alec asks slowly, after Magnus confides in him.

Magnus nods.

“It seems you were wrong on both accounts.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> .....................feel free to yell at me. i certainly deserve it.


	5. Truth is a double-edged Sword

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Set some nebulous time after 3x10. Since I couldn't be brief if my life depended on it, have a 300 word drabble instead of a regular 100 word one.  
> I got the name of the lieutenant dude from [this post](http://malecshappiness.tumblr.com/post/174277544572/shadowhunters-characters-season-3a-season), it's awesome, check it out.

With his back to the wall and Internal Investigations on his case once again Luke has no choice but to spill.

Three hours later he has just finished his lengthy tale. Dwyer stares at him, arms crossed, eyebrows sceptically raised.

“You know, I believe myself to be very open-minded, and I've listened to your whole story completely unbiased, even _after_ you started with the Demons and the Werewolves.”

Luke swallows. This doesn't sound too good.

“I just expected that if you wanted me to actually _buy_ all that crap you'd at least make an effort to keep it all cohesive.”

Luke frowns.

“So Clary, your daughter, learns she is a Shadowhunter and it takes her, what, _two weeks_ to be able to defeat grown men? She single-handedly unites Werewolves and Vampires who've been hating each other for centuries? She was experimented on as a fetus which somehow resulted in her having _extra_ special superpowers? I mean, I get it. She's your daughter, of course you want to paint her as the hero... but this is just _ridiculous_.” Dwyer shakes his head. “And don't even get me started on your role in that Spirit Sword episode.”

“Soul Sword,” Luke bites out.

Dwyer snorts. “Okay, Soul Sword. You honestly mean to tell me you didn't notice someone snatching that sword when it was lying literally three feet away from you? Please.”

“I had been stabbed,” Luke grouses.

“So what? If you really are that oblivious I wonder how you ever made it into the police force. I thought you have 'super senses'?” Dwyer makes mocking air quotes.

“So this is it, then?” Luke asks, fuming.

Dwyer shrugs, unmoved. “That's what you get for lazy storytelling, Mr Garroway.”

 _Betrayed by_ _the_ _atrocious_ _narrative_ , Luke thinks, dumbfounded, cursing every single Show Writer in existence.

 


	6. Insight on a movie night

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This drabble isn't even that dumb, so it's kinda misplaced here??? I hope you enjoy it anyway.

Alec doesn't know how his date with Magnus evolved into a movie night involving most of his friends and unwelcome acquaintances, and he knows even less how it spiraled into a discussion about who matches which fictional character the best.

“Alec is clearly Merida,” Jace states confidently. “Just remember how spectacularly he crashed his own wedding.”

Izzy laughs.

“I think he's more Katniss,” Magnus objects. “He single-handedly revolutionized an oppressive system.” Magnus gives him heart eyes and Alec huffs, some of his annoyance melting away.

“I agree,” Izzy adds. “He totally got the guy swooning over him from day one.”

“What about Robin Hood?” Clary suggests. “He's brilliant with a bow... and mostly dressed in rags.”

Magnus snorts inelegantly, but leaps to his defense when Alec glares at him. “Absolutely not. Robin Hood is a filthy outlaw while Alexander is a law-abiding role model for everyone.” He blinks winningly at Alec.

“You've all got it wrong. He's Hawkeye, no doubt.”

Alec reluctantly turns to Simon, who ducks a little under the unexpected attention. “I mean, he fights evil creatures from another dimension which are intent on slaughtering humans... and whenever I try talking to him he seems to turn deaf.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> #SaveShadowhunters #PickUpShadowhunters


	7. The Law is hard....

Magnus stares at Alec, brow creased significantly. “Are you drunk?”

Alec frowns right back at him. “Magnus, did you even listen to anything I've said to you so far? _Of course_ I'm not drunk. I'm trying to protect your honor.”

That startles a laugh out of Magnus. He shakes his head disbelievingly. “I assure you, that is really not necessary... and kind of uncalled for.”

“So you don't approve of my plan,” Alec states flatly, mouth twisting unhappily. Any other day Magnus would feel bad about that, but what Alec proposed is just.. outrageous.

“Alexander... you're aware that this could cause serious problems with the Seelies as well, right? This rule you're talking about won't just affect the Warlocks,” he says, trying to make Alec see reason.

“But-” Alec interjects.

“Sorry, but I can't let you do that,” Magnus declares firmly. “It would destroy everything you've worked so hard for. All the improvement of Downworld relations would be undone in seconds.”

Alec looks like he wants to protest, but Magnus raises a hand to cut him off. “You will not implement a rule about how members of the Downworld Cabinet must have short hair just to get back at Lorenzo.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> like? dislike? let me knowwww :)


	8. Problematic Pastime

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I think this one is my best so far. Let me know which one is your favorite :)

“Just one more time.”

Magnus grits his teeth. “Alexander. I love you very much but I swear if you don't stop, my patience will snap and it won't be pretty for anyone involved.”

He had always dreamed of someone wholeheartedly loving his Warlock Mark... but never in his worst nightmares had he imagined it to lead to _this_.

“Pretty please?”

“Ale _xan_ der.”

“It looks so cute! And I _know_ you're doing it on purpose.”

“I am _not!_ It's _biology!_ And I won't let you wave your hand in my face just because the way my pupils dilate is amusing to you!”

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> such a favorite pastime with my cat. when her claws catch my fingers, not so much.


	9. Missed Chances

 

 

Simon was the last person Alec expected to see when he opened the loft door following some persistent knocking. He frowned. “Magnus isn't home yet.”

“It's fine, I wanted to talk to you.”

Alec's frown intensified. “To me?”

“Yeah. Remember how you and me and Clary went to her flat to get that box with Jonathan's stuff?”

Alec's frown had developed into a full-fledged scowl. “Unpleasantly, yes.”

“When we showed you that heart on the wall from our childhood engagement you said 'I'm almost certain I don't wanna hear this story.'”

“So?”

“ _Almost!_ So, do you wanna hear it now??”

 

 

     

 


	10. Dangerous Decision

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Set before the Series. If you don't remember Rufus, check out [this post](https://ralfstrashcan.tumblr.com/post/172423031344/i-just-want-to-give-a-shout-out-to-rufus-because), otherwise this joke might fall flat. ~~I mean it might fall flat anyway, but~~

Rufus stepped out the door of the hairdresser, smiling happily to himself. He knew he looked badass. He felt badass. He _was_ badass.

He walked down the road when suddenly a figure emerged from the shadows, blocking his path.

“My dear Rufus. Whatever am I going to do with you?”

Rufus shivered, confidence faltering. He knew that voice all too well.

The streetlights shone down on his interceptor, illuminating Magnus Bane's less than impressed face.

Rufus laughed uneasily, self-consciously brushing his hair back.

Magnus's eyes narrowed dangerously. “I warned you not to do this. And yet you dared to defy me.”

Rufus raised his hands placatingly. “Magnus, I-”

“It's High Warlock of Brooklyn for you.” Magnus crossed his arms, glaring hard.

Rufus spluttered. “You can't be serious.”

“Believe me, I am. I would never joke about a matter like this.” He gave Rufus a disparaging once over. “You've been pushing your luck with that atrocious monstrosity you call leather jacket,” Magnus actually sneered at that, “and I let it slide because you were still toeing the line, but now a mohawk?! Not on my watch, not in my city!”

Rufus wanted to object, but Magnus continued mercilessly. “You are banished!”

 


	11. A secret revealed

“I just don't get why the Seelie Queen insists on her appearance as a child. Nobody in the whole Shadow World is buying her act, so why does she bother?”

Magnus purses his lips and Alec fixes him with a curious stare. “Wait, is there a reason? Do you _know_ why she does it??”

Magnus sighs before meeting Alec's gaze. “I do, in fact.”

“So? Tell me!” Alec demands.

“You know how Seelies love to play games, right?”

Alec nods.

“That love extends to board games as well.. and with her appearance she ensures she always gets to play first.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> haha i know that doesn't even make sense because the actual age decides and not appearance (especially when magic is a thing and everyone can manipulate their appearance as they please) but whatever! hope you enjoyed it anyway?!


	12. Menagerie

“You should be really grateful for your Warlock Mark, you know?”

Magnus raises his eyebrows. “Should I?”

Alec nods. “Yeah. Imagine instead of cat eyes you had goat eyes. Do you know how creepy goat eyes are? With their weird, horizontal pupils? They look like they're dead inside. I'm pretty sure they have no soul.”

Magnus blinks, several times. “I didn't know you felt so.. strongly about goats.”

Alec shrugs. “They're spooky.”

“Well, in that case I am very grateful for my cat eyes.”

Alec snorts. “You know what would be worse than having goat eyes?”

“What?”

“Having mole eyes.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wanted to make another joke, but unfortunately that one doesn't work in English. In German the word for corn (you know, the callus thingies you get on your feet sometimes) is “chicken eye.” Oh, the missed opportpunities....


	13. tick tock

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You remember 2x03, where Alec was on the verge of dying because he'd been tracking Jace through the parabatai bond and how at some point Magnus tried to wake him with True Love's Kiss?

_This isn't waking Sleeping Beauty with a kiss_ , Magnus thinks, pauses, takes a leap of faith – and it works.

Alec groans, his eyelids flutter and open slowly. He blinks, looking around, disoriented until his gaze settles on Magnus.

“Magnus? What happened?”

Magnus swallows, but Alec deserves to know the truth. He steels himself and explains.

His words are followed by a heavy silence. Alec's fingers rise to touch his lips tentatively.

“Not that I'm not grateful for you saving my life, but...” A frown works itself onto Alec's face, “what the hell happened to ' _We can slow things down_ '?!”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Magnus: .........yEAH MAYBE IF YOU STOPPED DYING ON ME WE COULD


	14. Peculiar Request

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just to avoid confusion, that forearm belongs to Jonathan and is for illustrating purposes only.

 “Woah woah woah, I'm not sure I understand this,” Jace declares, waving his hand.

Alec huffs in annoyance. “What's not to understand. It's pretty simple. At seven sharp you and Clary are to track me with your angel blood.”

“Yeah, I got that much. I just don't understand _why_. You said yourself that you'll be at Magnus's, so why would we track you? And why would we track you with our angel blood instead of the Tracking Rune? It makes no sense.”

Alec huffs again. “Because like I said, I'll be activating my Deflect Rune, so normal tracking won't work.”

Jace rolls his eyes. “Again, you'll be at Magnus's, _why would we track you at all?”_

Alec clenches his teeth. “Because I'm asking you to.”

“Alec--”

Knowing he won't get Jace to cooperate without giving a straight answer Alec caves. “Fine! Your blood tracking makes the Rune glow golden. And Magnus likes gold, so.”

A beat, and then a truly infuriating smirk takes over Jace's face. “You know what they say, Alec. All that glitters is not gold.”

The scowl he receives in return is truly spectacular. “And I guess you would know everything about that, wouldn't you, Golden Boy?”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ....now that i'm thinking about it, there is a kick-ass fanart by procoffeinating that works well with this, it's here on [archive](https://archiveofourown.org/works/14190723) or [tumblr](http://procoffeinating.tumblr.com/post/172133384293/sparkling-gold-alec-for-the-lovely). Be sure to check it out and shower it with love and appreciation.


	15. Naming Difficulties

“Alec,” Magnus says slowly, and the fact that he uses the short form of Alec's name alone would be a huge tip off that matters are serious, if the murderous glint in his eyes didn't make that obvious already. “You are on very thin ice. Consider carefully what you want to do.”

Alec crosses his arms, stubborn. “No. I refuse. That thing has nothing to do with cars nor pets. So why should I call it carpet? It makes _no sense_.”

“I don't care if it makes sense, Alec, but you are _not_ calling my 10,000$ persian carpet _a rug_.”

 


	16. A Serious Matter

Magnus knows he's staring, not least because of the way Alec is starting to fidget under his unblinking gaze, but he can't help himself.

“What.”

“It's really not that big of a deal,” Alec waves his hand dismissively. Magnus very nearly balks at that. “Jace and Izzy get requested all the time, so it's hardly remarkable.”

Magnus holds up a hand and Alec thankfully falls silent. Magnus doesn't think he could stand to witness Alec trying to trivialize this any further.

“You mean to tell me,” he starts slowly, “that not only do the nephilim have their own fashion labels and designers and _magazines,_ but they also regularly order shadowhunters to model for them? And _you've_ just been chosen?”

Alec shifts uncomfortably. “I mean, yeah, but--”

“I'm gonna stop you right there,” Magnus interrupts. “No buts. _How can I not know about this??_ ”

Alec frowns. “I guess you don't shop much for hunting-gear or hunting-compatible casual clothes?”

Magnus stares some more. “You actually have a point even though this was a rhetorical question.” He shakes himself. “So how does that work exactly?”

Alec rolls his shoulders in discomfort as if he'd rather be anywhere else. “Well, the team makes an appointment, they bring the clothes they want you to wear, take pictures and leave.”

Magnus fixes him, flatly. “I suppose you could make even the apocalypse sound boring and tedious.”

Alec returns his gaze, just as flatly. “It's a special talent I've been perfecting since birth.”

They stare at each other for a few beats until Magnus cracks and bursts out laughing. Alec smiles, triumphantly.

“You win this round, Alexander, but I hope you're aware that I fully expect to be present for this photo shoot and of course an autographed copy.”

Alec's subsequent spluttering is music to his ears.

 

          

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> inspired by this post, which, coincidentally, the pictures are taken from: <https://daddariodaily.com/post/178047353397/new-old-photos-of-matt-via-shadowhunters-russia>
> 
> btw i'll have to rework my summary because it's getting too long, so kiss it goodbye if you want to :D


	17. Fatal Mix-up

It's been almost half an hour. Alec is still scowling, pacing between the kitchen and the living room aggressively.

“It's kind of your own fault,” Magnus reasons. “What sane person wants to drink tomato juice in the morning anyway?”

Alec's scowl deepens. “Are you serious right now? You want to put the blame on me?”

Raphael, who's been watching from the sidelines, lounging comfortably on the sofa, sighs loudly. “God, Magnus, is he always that exhausting?”

Magnus's lips quirk in amusement. “Well, usually he exhausts me in different ways.”

“ _Magnus!”_ Alec yells, appalled.

Raphael just rolls his eyes.

Sadly the distraction is short-lived and Alec gets right back on track with his rampage. “This could have been avoided if you had just kept the order in the fridge like I explicitly asked you to last night.”

Magnus sighs. It's not like Alec is _wrong_. Still, that doesn't mean he wants to admit that. Yet, anyway.

“Think of it as a new experience?” he suggests with a winning smile.

Alec glares daggers at him.

Okay, maybe not. Should he try a different approach? “I know for a fact that the nutritional value of--”

“Magnus, please stop” Alec interrupts him, pressing a fist to his mouth. “I think I'm going to be sick.”

Rapahel rolls his eyes again. “Just get over it, Shadowhunter. It's not the end of the world. I do it all the time and do you see _me_ freaking out? No.” He sinks a little deeper into the couch cushions, radiating smugness.

Alec turns around to him and huffs, not unlike a bull. (Magnus refrains from pointing that out though. He'd like to live to see another day, thank you very much.)

“Of course you don't freak out! You are a vampire, it's normal for you to drink blood!”

 


	18. Jinxed Wish

“Magnus.”

Normally that particular vile tone from Alec would have Magnus twitching guiltily but under the circumstances... well.

Magnus smirks. “I really don't know what your problem is. You _asked_ me to do this.”

_“Magnus.”_

“'I want to feel what it's like' you said. 'I want to experience what everyone else does' you said. 'I want to know what it's like to be hugged by someone taller than me for once' you said.”

Alec scowls. “It's impressive how you manage to twist my words.”

“You made a wish and I delivered.”

“I wanted to be five inches _shorter,_ not _total!_ ”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Pocket-sized Alec is the best Alec. Like a grumpy kitten you can take everywhere. A dream come true.


	19. Pure Intention, Questionable Implementation (Part 1)

“Magnus, I'm trying to protect you. It's for your own good.”

Magnus took a slow breath to calm himself, unsuccessfully. “Alexander. Step aside.”

Alec shook his head.

“ _Alexander._ ”

“You need to see reason, Magnus! Don't you trust me?”

Magnus gnashed his teeth. “Oh darling, I do, and _you_ should trust _my rage_ if you don't move.”

Alec ignored him. “I read in a science journal that cats--”

“I _dare_ you to finish that sentence, Alexander,” Magnus hissed.

Alec raised his eyebrows as if Magnus had just proven his point.

“I'm no cat! I can take a bath if I want!”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ~~“Trust my rage,” Loki sighs, smiling proudly in the background.~~


	20. Pure Intention, Questionable Implementation (Part 2)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to MiaVivisol for providing me with the punchline for this.

It's subtle, at first.

A potted plant with violet blooms appears on the window sill. Magnus thinks nothing of it.

The wayward balls of yarn that suddenly crop up all around the loft are harder to explain.

And Magnus really isn't sure what Alec plans to do with the absurd amount of hair brushes he keeps bringing home.

It all comes to a head when Magnus is clipping his nails over the bathroom sink.

Alec storms in as if he's got a demon on his heels and rips the clipper right out of his hands.

“What--”

“Magnus, this isn't good for you. Clipping can seriously damage your claws.”

“My what?”

“Look, I bought you something,” Alec continues as if Magnus hadn't said anything. He holds up a finger and speeds off only to return a minute later with _a thing_.

“Here. This is the safe and recommended way to keep them short,” Alec says, proudly presenting _the thing_ to Magnus.

Magnus stares at it. Takes a deep breath. Reminds himself that he loves Alec.

“Alec... you _know_ that I'm not a cat. Right?”

Alec frowns. “Yeah, obviously.”

“Then what the _hell_ am I supposed to do with _a scratching post?!_ ”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> you get brownie points if you can guess what the plant is.


	21. Epiphany

“I can't believe they waited so long to make you Head of the Institute.”

Alec is confused. “What do you mean?”

“I mean you should have been Head of the Institute since...” Magnus regards him thoughtfully. “Seventeen, maybe? Did you ever have an awkward phase or did you just wake up one day scorching hot?”

Alec's confusion only grows. “What?”

“The clue is in the name,” Magnus explains (because ralf can't resist sneaking Random Sherlock Quotes into as many fics as humanly possible).

“What name?” Alec asks.

“Well, you see, the initials of your job spell H.o.t.I.” Magnus smirks. “Hottie.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> literally the first and only thing i thought when i discovered that abbreviation.
> 
> also the archive word counter is killing me, this thing has only 100 words and still the counter adds 102... so rude.....


	22. Fight or Flight

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I never, _never_ thought that I could stoop this low. It seems I was wrong. I have no dignity left after this. N-o-n-e.

Just one more corridor and he'll be safe. He'll just pretend Magnus portaled him into his office. Nobody will ever be the wiser.

Alec speeds his steps and has almost left the wing with the bedrooms when Jace, mindless of his surroundings, crashes right into him.

“Morning Alec- Wait, what are you doing here?” Jace asks, bemused. “I can't remember the last time I saw you around the Institute this early.”

Alec grinds his teeth. Denying will get him nowhere. Offense is the best deffense, right? “I have a room here, thanks.”

Jace frowns. “You didn't spend the night at Magnus's? Why?”

“Magnus is _cancelled_ ,” Alec snaps before he can stop himself.

“What?” Jace looks alarmed. Great. Now Alec's chances of sweeping this matter under the rug are dwindling.

“Did something happen?” Jace sounds concerned.

In that moment Izzy rounds the corner, giggling and tapping away furiously at her phone. Alec has a terrible, _terrible_ sense of foreboding.

She catches sight of them and immediately zeros in on Alec. “Alec, what are you doing here? Are you still hiding from Magnus?”

“I am not hiding.” He doesn't sound convincing to his own ears.

“What's going on, Iz?” Jace asks gleefully.

“Oh, you know,” Izzy says with a smirk a mile wide. “Just our brother being afraid to face his boyfriend after receiving a pet name.”

Alec splutters. “That was _not_ a pet name. And how the hell do you know that? Does Magnus tell you _everything?_ ”

Izzy laughs. “I'm an interrogation expert for a reason.” She flicks her hair back. “The fact that I'm a great conversationalist doesn't hurt either.”

“Care to clue me in?”

“No,” Alec yells, trying to drown Izzy out, but she is louder. She always is. “It seems Alec can't deal with being called Mr Morningwood.”

 


	23. Hidden Truths

“Please come pick up your Shadowhunter,” Maia pleads as soon as Magnus answers his phone. “He's a menace.”

Jace and Izzy had wanted to go out to the Hunter's Moon and since Magnus had been swamped with paperwork anyway he'd convinced Alec to tag along.

“What's he been up to?”

Maia doesn't miss a beat. It seems she called to vent her frustration as well as to get rid of Alec. “First he's been haunting the pool tables, telling everyone how much better at pool you are than them.”

Magnus chuckles fondly.

“After three complaints I ordered him to stay at the bar and stop harassing people. Since then he's been getting on _my_ nerves.”

“Oh yeah?” Magnus asks, intent to hear more.

Maia makes a sound of despair. “He asked me if I don't need a navigation app on my phone because I'm a wherewolf.”

Magnus snorts.

“Then he asked me if I'm always well-dressed because I'm a wearwolf.”

Magnus hears shuffling and the unmistakable cadence of Alec's voice at the other end of the line.

Maia groans. “And now he asked me if I can see the past because I'm a were-wolf. Please, Magnus, you need to _hurry!_ ”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wanna read some heavy drunk!Magnus? Click [here](https://archiveofourown.org/works/16354019).


	24. Pure Intention, Questionable Implementation (Part 3)

“I've tolerated all of your antics so far, but this is where I draw the line,” Magnus says, forcibly calm.

“I don't understand.” Alec crosses his arms. “Don't you want me to make a good first impression on her? Don't you want us to get along?”

Magnus gnashes his teeth. “Of course I want you and Catarina to get along--”

“Then _why_ ,” Alec indicates the lovingly set table, “do you want me to remove it?!”

“ _Because_ this will make her kick your ass, not like you.”

“Her name is _literally_ Cat!” Alec argues.

“ _That doesn't mean she wants cat treats!!”_

 


	25. A Matter of Time

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this thing was cut from one of my oneshots because it didn't fit in, so i added a stupid pun and put it here :)

“I can hear you thinking form here, Alexander. Just tell me what's on your mind.”

Alec considers. He's been hesitant to ask, scared it might upset Magnus.. but he _is_ curious.

“I look at Max and how he's already taking on his first missions, and then I remember his birth and I feel old.” He steals a glance at Magnus. “Isn't it worse for you? Do you ever feel weird about dating me?”

Magnus smiles at him. “I've outlived hundreds of people. I've been alive centuries before your lineage even existed. Believe me, I've passed 'weird'..” he smirks, “ _ages_ ago.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was originally supposed to be a part of my fic [The Double Date of Doom](https://archiveofourown.org/works/16726455) featuring Malec, Clace and a lot of humor. Give it a try maybe?


	26. Important Addition

Izzy sneaks towards Alec, who's unsuspectingly brooding over something on his desk. Glancing over his shoulder she finds that he's working on a list of Runes.

Destined, Fortune, Trust and Promise.. she wonders what they might be for until she spots the Wedded Union Rune.

She almost cackles. Seems like Alec is assembling a selection for his not so secret proposal plans.

“There's one missing,” she announces right into Alec's ear, who jerks forward violently, hands scrambling to cover the sheet.

“Izzy! What the hell!” he shouts, but she continues unfazed.

“You forgot the Heat Rune. Cuz Magnus is hot.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i may or may not be currently working on a proposal fic and this may or may not be a byproduct of that. *wink wink*


	27. A Grave Miscalculation

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> one of my better works, i think (i hope)

“No, Alec. _No_.” Magnus grinds his teeth, searching for words to properly express his outrage. “I'm- I'm _getting a divorce!_ ”

Alec frowns. “I'm kinda getting mixed signals here. Didn't you just reject my proposal?”

“We're getting married just so I can divorce you for this!” Magnus hisses.

Alec pouts. “Oh come on, Magnus. It wasn't so bad.”

“ _It wasn't so bad?!_ ” Magnus echoes, aghast. “You _know_ me, Alexander! I want to be romanced and wooed. What you just did...”

“Was fun,” Alec defends.

“No. Not _at all_. You asked if I wanted to change my status from 'warlock' to 'wedlock'!!!”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alec: .................I fail to see where this isn't hilarious. I worked three days on that pun ok
> 
> anyway, wanna read a serious proposal? click [here](https://archiveofourown.org/works/17637458) ;)


	28. Plot Twist

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm well aware i deserve to be punched in the teeth for this. set post 3x10.

“Remember how I told you about that one time when Izzy was seeing this doctor guy and me and Jace had to pretend to be jewelers?” Alec asks.

Magnus nods.

“I mentioned he was a mundane, right?”

“You did,” Magnus confirms, frowning, wondering where Alec is going with this.

“I don't know if there are downworlder rules for this, but it's actually forbidden for shadowhunters to date mundanes because, y'know, secrecy. I reminded Izzy of that rule.”

Alec turns to Magnus with a crooked grin. “Who would have thought in the end _I_ would be the one dating a mundane?”

 


	29. Eliminate the Impossible

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Set during the time of Magnus's magic loss.

“I still can't believe you're making me do this,” Alec grumbles. He's not out of breath, but slowly his feet are starting to ache.

Magnus chuckles, clearly very amused. “But Alexander, don't you know? This is the height of romance. I saw it in _Twilight_ so it must be true.”

Alec groans. “Please Magnus, don't make me relive that trauma.”

“Fine. What about Holmes?” Magnus suggests and Alec can hear the smirk in his voice. “This was the most logical solution for our little predicament.” He leans closer towards Alec's ear. “You like logic, don't you?”

Alec jostles him deliberately and Magnus shrieks, half in surprise and half in delight, tightening his vice-like grip even further. “It really was our most viable option, Alexander. Public transport is out of the question obviously, ubers are a waste of money and walking on foot takes too long. You have a speed rune, a strength rune and a glamor, so this really is the best way to go about it.”

“Whatever,” Alec mumbles and hoists Magnus up higher. “I still can't believe you persuaded me the quickest way to get around town was giving you piggy rides.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 1) The title is an an allusion to a famous Holmes quote, if you're a Sherlockian (or have good general knowledge) you'll know which one. The line with Twilight was a re-vamp of BBC!Moriarty's "I read it in the papers so it must be true."
> 
> 2) I'm aware this only has 194 words and not 200, but lemme tell you, the word counter has been driving me INSANE (so unjust! only because archive sometimes counts the images as words!!) so something had to give. The 200 word version of this would have the second line be: "He's not really out of breath, not yet anyway, but slowly his feet are starting to protest the treatment."


	30. A Dream Come True

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You know how Magnus wears two rings on his right hand, with respectively an 'M' and a 'B' on top, right? Well. I couldn't resist.

When Magnus's eyes settle on the Lightwood family ring they start to shine with the force of seven suns. He claps his hand over his mouth. “Yes, Alexander.”

Alec reaches to put the ring on him but Magnus beats him to it, snatching it from the ring box and slipping it onto his.... right middle finger?

Alec blinks.

“I've dreamed of this moment since forever,” Magnus coos, staring at his hand.

At Alec's confusion Magnus presents him with his ringed hand; between his other initial rings it spells M-L-B.

“I can finally celebrate my favorite TV Show! Miraculous Lady Bug!!” 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> you can find the picture on tumbr [here](https://ralfstrashcan.tumblr.com/post/184202419224/look-i-had-to)


	31. Pure Intention, Questionable Implementation (Part 4) aka Finally, Revenge

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For Duchess, who left me tons of lovely (and inspiring) comments.  
> (Also please re-check last chapter, I added shitty fanart XD)

“Are you comfortable?” Alec asks.

“Very,” Magnus answers, burrowing deeper against Alec's chest. They're taking full adventage of their lined up days off by cuddling on the couch in the warm sunshine.

“You know, with the way you're relaxing there you kinda remind me of,” Alec snorts, betraying he's about to make a terrible joke, “a cat.”

Magnos narrows his eyes at him.

“Yeah, really. Very catlike.”

“You seem very intent on always drawing that comparison.”

“Well, it's apt.”

Magnus hums. “Then maybe I should make it even more apt by turning _you_ ,” Magnus smirks sinisterly, “into a cat bed.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alec: *sweating nervously* You can't do that, right? That's not a thing?  
> Magnus: Only one way to find out.

**Author's Note:**

> That's it for now! Will add to this whenever inspiration decides to strike again. Until then feel free to check out my [tumblr](https://ralfstrashcan.tumblr.com/) or my other fics. Or you could always leave a kudo/comment ;)


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